aenthin

I sometimes wonder if I offended Alex-niisan in some way. He was pretty vague in his expressions, except his immense hatred against Archie. He knew I was past it already but he's still very well blames Archie for what happened to him.

He wanted to kill him.

I just wanted to get out of the silence, I guess. I felt awkward though since I didn't want to just say *hugs* forever. I asked Juan about what he talks about with Pei, just to give me some ideas of topics to talk about.

It didn't end well. A lot of my topics went sour. I was hoping I could lift my brother's mood but, well, he managed to talk about a lot of bad things that had happened. Finally, he just snapped at me and declared his all out intent to kill Archie. I tried talking to him, but somehow, I can't help but feel that I seemed to have offended him at some point.

I was really feeling desperate to lift his spirit. In the end, I drew this for him via Windows Live Messenger.

We apologized to each other and when I need to sleep, we said our old goodnights. However, it felt like it was just a routine rather than our usual heartfelt goodnights.

It's still bugging me.

As soon as I woke up from my nap, I still feel damn awful tired, probably even more so. It was a one or two-hour long nap. I let my phone play music with a playlist set on shuffle. I intended it that way. Fully woke up when my phone finally finished the playlist.

And I said fully. I was also aware of the music that was playing in the background. As I consciously knew of the songs being played, I subconsciously dreamed a lot too. Rapid Eye Movement, perhaps? I forget what it was called, but I still remember some of the dreams I had.

At one point, I had birthday boy Kevin (it's his birthday today) and Dexter sitting at a bench on my way to the dorm. From Kevin's pants, Kev pulled out my cellphone and a packet of sugar I acquired from restaurants that went missing from my pockets. I told him, to hand me my phone but he could throw the packet of sugar away. He did by going to the library. I sat beside Dexter to rest a bit. Kevin came back and, just to humor me, sat on my lap. Heavy damn it! But I let him anyway. I set some music on my phone...that's when I knew my real phone was still playing in the background.

There was another time when I had a Science class. I forgot whether it was Physics, Chemistry, Biology or a combination. What I remembered was it awfully reminds me of High School Science classes. I was also with Kevin at that time. Can't remember the rest though. I do remember I was supposed to attend the class at a later time, at 4 PM to be exact. I kept checking my phone for the time.

At another point, I had a dream within a dream. I dreamt that Alex-niisan logged in. Then, I dreamt waking up and checked my laptop. Alex apparently just logged in. We talked about Archie, mostly, and like usual, he hates his guts. Alex told me Archie was just talking to him, saying Archie was practically begging him to come back to his forum. Midway in the dream, I realized it was a dream in a dream because I remembered turning off my laptop before I slept.

Oddly, I was still with Archie back then. As if I haven't left the forums, I was given new moderator powers...superhero moderator powers. I could easily roam around, vanquishing certain Ragnarok Online-inspired monsters and collecting their loot. I also had another side, like a second form that I showed to Alex as if I were in a fighting game. Yeah, it's weird for me to even describe it but I remember it.

In another dream, I was with Meme and the rest of the Symphony guild in their guild town. The guild town was significantly different. It was like Old Payon in the sense that in the middle of the town seemed to have a road where most players are. At the side of the road are grassy areas and lots of trees. Monsters, particularly MVP monsters, would sometimes spawn in those areas. I had to lure some MVPs away from the main crowd, at least until Meme and her guild decided to fight it.

The latest one had me in a van roaming around my cousin's neighborhood in Loyola Heights, except for the fact that they weren't in Katipunan anymore but was on a highway overlooking the sea. We had to pick up two people, who were presumably friends of my aunt. I don't recognize them but they sure know me and shared me some sweets. Among them was an old favorite baked good of mine, "Lakas." They also showed me a cake that was meant for their 10th or 25th anniversary. Of what, I don't know. Oh and my sister and Ate Trixie just appeared in front of me too.

We finally arrived at my place. The cake was at the round table...and I did a few vandals on it. Using my finger, I made a message on each side of the cake (it was square) and at the same time, eating parts of it (it was chocolate). The cake didn't hold out much though. It leaned a lot much like an accordion. Hell, the texture was similar to an accordion. Still chocolate though. I tried repairing the cake too.

Some time in between those dreams, I would realize I was still listening to my phone. Sometimes the song would stop and play the next song. I was wondering if the song just stopped only to realize that it would play the next song. I guess that made me woke up, since the phone finally stopped playing.

I woke up, still dazed.

"I don't mean for you to feel awkward, but I wish we could be...you know."

True enough. I didn't want anyone to feel awkward about it, but I ended up making myself feel bad the minute I woke up. How I long for that moment we could be together and yet we can't...

Also gives me an excuse to use my new icons. xD
These were given to my from a friend. He scanned his English handouts. xD

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I dreamt it was 5 in the morning. I opened up my laptop and logged in at MSN to find Cho-niisan logged in as well, despite it's nearly his bed time for him. He had a webcam open too but it was meant for someone else. However, he was happy to see me online, at least.

Then I realized there was a concert in my neighborhood. It was a Lady Gaga concert of all things and Lady Gaga wanted to know more about the Filipino culture. I even got to meet her. Haha!

I checked on Cho-niisan again. This time, I went to his house, somewhere in my neighborhood. We hugged each other and talked for a while. Then he mentions about an old neighbor of mine whom I haven't seen for a while now. Niisan told me to go there and so I did, but I got lost along the way.

I went back down to the subdivision chapel where Lady Gaga's concert was being held, except it wasn't Lady Gaga anymore. I saw mom there, as well as my neighbor, Tita Remy, who seems to also have a Lady Gaga popularity among the people in there.

Then I met a friend who resembles Shun and his dad (who also resembles Shun more than his dad IRL). We talked a lot and I realized that we ended up boarding in the LRT-1 trains. The dad wondered why I was at Robinson's all the time and I explained I usually go there after (high school) classes to pass the time if I have enough money with me. After the son went down at Carriedo station, the dad began talking about job opportunities. I didn't get to know what it was though as I have to drop off at Vito Cruz station (but in my mind was Doroteo Jose).

Then I woke up.

---

I started the day making that entry and posted it on my other blog. Then I decided to finish what I started doing last night: make new LJ icons. I've got a fresh set of six again. To cap it all off, I even changed my LJ layout, which is pretty neat despite it being just a pre-made theme. Someone might mistake me for emo though. Haha!

I think I need posters...

All seriousness though, every passing day, I'm starting to just lose it. I'm lacking the will to move on. I doubt if I want to study anymore. My old habits are coming back to me and all of these are making me depressed.

Aaaaaand, just now, I've been talking to Rika. I ended up pouring some of the things I want to say. To be honest, while I like the environment (clean, quiet and refreshing campus), I'm not too fond of being here. I'm homesick. I miss the food that I want to eat and cook. I miss the family I want to cuddle up with. I'm far away from close friends and I don't really have friends here to begin with. I hardly talk to my roommates too.

Not all my subjects are exactly exciting either. In one subject, we have to be grouped together and report in front of the whole class; reports which are utterly boring. I don't think my prof ever does anything aside from checking the attendance. The way he speaks, if ever he does, is also boring. He's also a textbook teacher, a kind of teacher I hate. I mean, do I really have to know the name of that one guy who researched about something if I'm going to teach about something else?

Ugh. Life for me right now just sucks. I wish I didn't mess up 4 years ago.

And so this morning, I drew this:
http://kyujinueno.deviantart.com/art/Akira-Tomosuke-151658771
Now this guy...excuse me...

*ehem*

FUCK YOU! I know I drew and colored this so you can have a birthday present from me. I know you totally deserve a happy birthday just like anyone else, which is why I didn't bother saying it in front of your face, but still FUCK YOU FOREVER! You're the most immature person I have ever met in my entire life. You brought all your problems yourself and you keep blaming it to your former friends (who happens to be the two artists above)? And then you even tell other people about it? Good lord. Do you know how much I SPENT TIME HAVING TO COMFORT MY BIG BROTHER AFTER YOU PM'D HIM ABOUT YOUR THREATS TO KILL THOSE TWO? THEY'RE NOT EVEN DOING ANYTHING AGAINST YOU!

Oh what? You said they did? Let's see. You said they gave you low scores in some website I don't even go to. You submitted art, you got low scores, you block them and the low scores disappeared. Therefore, you concluded that the guys who gave you low scores were those two. You know what that is? IT'S A FUCKING FALLACY! Cum Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc. Read about it. You didn't even probably think that there was just some troll and not those two? I talk to them, you paranoid idiot, and they didn't even know about that until you brought it up.

And did you know that you're extremely irritating to talk to. ANSWER MY FUCKING QUESTIONS, DAMN IT! You avoid my questions like a fly. Maybe you do that because I'm right? Am I right, huh? I mean, come on. Why would they threaten to blackmail you about things you did? Because you really did, didn't you? I've heard about them and it was just really low of you. I pity you.

Fuck you and have a happy birthday.
/endrant

Jen's alive and well! Hurray!

*stabs her ex-boyfriend*

I like the weather and all but this is one of the few times I want it NOT to rain. Well, it's not really raining heavily. It's only raining lightly but it has been since last night. I hope this doesn't change my flight schedule going back home.

And either I'm excited to go back home, became extremely giddy talking to a happy onii-san again, napped too much, or something else, I really just couldn't get myself to sleep well tonight. I'm going home for the weekend because I'll be attending my cousin's wedding on Saturday. Even though it's just for the weekend, I'm still rather excited to go. I even contemplated on what to cook while I'm there (Pancakes :D).

Onii-chan hadn't been doing well since Monday. It's a long story and I don't really want to talk about it here (kind of personal). However, two nights ago, we got into a long conversation. Despite the fact that he's older, I feel like I'm the one who's actually acting as his older brother. Not that it's a bad thing~ However, I tried the best I can to at least talk about his insecurities in life. I managed, and last night, he was feeling much happier now. I genuinely do worry a lot for him. On another note, when he's happy, we really don't have anything much to talk about. ^^;; Oh well. Him being happy is good enough for me~

At the same time I started talking through him, I received news that orochi_raziel was going out of the country. I don't know the exact details like why or when is he coming back, if ever. It was all sudden and he's going this Saturday too. Well, since I can't do anything about it anymore, I just made him a sketch before he leaves. It's kind of rushed though. In any case, I wish him a safe trip.

And last but not the least, I have to greet my mom.
Happy birthday, mom~ May you have more to come. I'll hope to see you later.

Title. It's always the time that I long for someone to talk with but...NO ONE'S EVER ON AT THAT TIME! T_T I took a nap instead. Oh well.

I really want to talk to onii-chan tonight. Something came up and, for the whole day, I was thinking mostly about him. I don't know. I feel like I betrayed him or something. I just really want to talk to him, so much, I don't want to attend my weekly devotion.

Otherwise, nothing particularly happened today. Boring old day.

Up to until now, I wasn't feeling the excitement. I was just looking forward to getting back home for the first time in a few months, but when I got down from my bunk to fix my things, my whole body suddenly started trembling. It's like I can't believe I'm finally meeting my family again. I've anticipated this but it was only now that I felt myself really excited about it.

It was a last minute decision but I thought of trying to make tomato soup. Last time, my mom made it. This time, I want to cook it myself. It's especially nice for the current weather when it's cool. My sisters also wanted onion rings so I'll add that to my list of things to cook. I also wanted to make grilled cheese to make along with the soup.

Some other things concern me though. In particular, the geekout. I want to clear this issue up as soon as possible. Most of the kada want to get together on the 28th. Unfortunately, I also planned to go to an EB on the same day. Khan was actually welcoming my other friends to come over though, which I think is fine because there's only just the five of us, including me. I'm still not sure, however. Now, it's either I could move the EB to a different date or accept the invitation (A third option would be me skipping either the geekout or the EB but I don't want either). However we're also still missing the venue for the geekout. I'll have to talk about this with my kada later.

Right now though, I just want to go back home~~

And eat something. I'm hungry.

I'm losing my grip over reality again and even the internet isn't so much fun anymore. It's that time of the year where I lose motivation to do things. The only thing that keeps me sane now is my will to live and the chance to talk to my big brother again. Well, not really slipping into insanity but hell, I'm just bored at everything now.

I feel like there's nothing worthwhile to do anymore. Even the forums I love to go to, I've let them go away now. Was it because I anticipated too much on finally getting home? Was it because I really just have a short attention span or something similar? Is it just because I'm hungry and I don't have any more money? Either way, I have to break free from all of these.

Would have it been better if I had someone to support me all the time or will I just become spoiled? Would have it been better if I had graduated already, or entered into a course that I really like as early as my first year? Regrets, and yet I can't do anything about those anymore.

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• 19:49 Okay. Now I'm bored. =/ #
• 19:53 @bloodriot Nothing to do. Weekends always do that. =/ #
• 21:27 Might as well take a shower. Then I'll draw. #

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• 10:37 @bloodriot lulz. And I just read KHR too #
• 13:52 I cant seem to take naps anymore. =( #

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• 12:57 @Ecapa Lol. It means times fly by so fast that I didn't realize it was a Friday already. #
• 12:58 *facepalm* #
• 21:14 @bloodriot So what ride did you...well, ride? #
• 21:19 @bloodriot Hmm, never tried the Rio Grande Rapids before. And that lame ride. #
• 21:21 @Aenthin Now I want to go to Enchanted Kingdom. xD #
• 21:21 @Aenthin Crappy arcade though #
• 21:22 Oh lol. I just replied to myself #

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• 15:41 OMG! I'm actually using my left hand to write SMS messages #
• 19:33 It's been a while since I did pushups and situps. #
• 20:35 Damn it Cebu Pacific. This is like the 5th time I've tried to book a flight all because you're crappy! D: #
• 20:37 Well, actually the website is crappy. #
• 20:43 Screw it. I'll just let mom book me the flight. #
• 21:23 I do often wonder why I suck at using Original Kyo but I can do well with his clones? #
• 21:23 Except Shingo. #
• 21:46 I was wondering why I didn't feel bored today. Then I remembered I was reading TV Tropes. #
• 08:00 @Ecapa lmao #
• 09:19 And it just occured to me. Holy crap, it's a Friday! #

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• 11:59 working on my MSN custom emotes #
• 21:03 It's been a while since I last read from TV Tropes. #
• 21:52 @bloodriot Again, I quote, people are morons. :< #
• 06:33 @ponkhan Mooooooooooooooooo #
• 07:13 @rxtmr I was a kid when I was on my dad's car and my mom was also driving the jeep. I said to my dad, "unahan natin si Mama," #
• 07:14 @rxtmr and then, when I finally see my mom's jeep nearing us, I suddenly switch sides and root for my mom. #
• 07:29 @rxtmr Small theory: Aside from being drawn by The Beatles' music, sira na rin kasi yung Cassette Tapes/Players kaya bili na rin ng CDs #

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Oh no. It's that time again. Ack! I need to snap out of this.

Maybe I'll have to talk to my big brother about this. I hope this helps. >_